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Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood
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Review
“Finally, there’s some good news for puzzled parents of adolescent girls, and psychologist Lisa Damour is the bearer of that happy news. [Untangled] is the most down-to-earth, readable parenting book I’ve come across in a long time.”—The Washington Post “Anna Freud wrote in 1958, ‘There are few situations in life which are more difficult to cope with than an adolescent son or daughter during the attempt to liberate themselves.’ In the intervening decades, the transition doesn’t appear to have gotten any easier which makes Untangled such a welcome new resource.”—The Boston Globe “Damour offers a hopeful, helpful new way for parents to talk about—and with—teenage girls. . . . Parents will want this book on their shelves, next to established classics of the genre.”—Publishers Weekly“For years people have been asking me for the ‘girl equivalent of Raising Cain,’ and I haven't known exactly what to recommend. Now I do.”—Michael Thompson, Ph.D., co-author of Raising Cain “An essential guide to understanding and supporting girls throughout their development. It’s obvious that Dr. Damour ‘gets’ girls and is one of the few experts in the field who works with them day in and day out. She clearly understands the best way for any adult to help them navigate the common yet difficult challenges so many girls face.”—Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wannabes “Untangled is a gem. Lisa Damour deftly blends insights from her clinical experience working with girls, time-honored wisdom on adolescence, the latest social science and neuroscience research, and frank descriptions of cultural trends and media messages. From the moment I read the last page I’ve been recommending it to my clients (including those with sons!) and colleagues, and using it as a refreshing guide in my own work with teenagers and their parents.”—Wendy Mogel, Ph.D., author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee “An arsenal of strategies to respond to your daughter’s ever-changing brain, feelings, and choices, Untangled will become your dog-eared travel guide to the mysterious world of teenage girls.”—Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out “So chock-full of practical wisdom that I read it straight through twice, then recommended it to every person I know who has a daughter. This book will, no question, make you a better—and a saner—parent of your adolescent girl.”—Peggy Orenstein, author of Girls and Sex“There are books about teenagers that are smart. And there are books about teenagers that are practical. Lisa Damour, thankfully, provides us with one that is both. With palpable empathy and understanding for adolescent girls and their families, Damour equips parents with a flexible blueprint for anticipating challenges and encouraging growth in their daughters. If you have a daughter (or were a daughter!), Untangled is mandatory reading.”—Madeline Levine, Ph.D., author of The Price of Privilege
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About the Author
Lisa Damour, Ph.D., graduated with honors from Yale University, worked for the Yale Child Study Center, then received her doctorate in clinical psychology at the University of Michigan. She is the author of numerous academic papers and chapters related to education and child development. Dr. Damour directs Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls, maintains a private psychotherapy practice, consults and speaks internationally, and is a faculty associate of the Schubert Center for Child Studies and a clinical instructor at Case Western Reserve University. She and her husband have two daughters and live in Shaker Heights, Ohio.
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Product details
Paperback: 368 pages
Publisher: Ballantine Books; Reprint edition (April 4, 2017)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0553393073
ISBN-13: 978-0553393071
Product Dimensions:
5.1 x 0.8 x 7.9 inches
Shipping Weight: 8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.8 out of 5 stars
449 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#291 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
If you need this kind of information and advice (you know who you are), this is as good as it gets. Written in a clear, engaging style, the book accomplishes some crucial goals. Dr Damour helps reassure you, the parent, that you're not crazed or brutal or callous but merely human, and that your child is not insane but actually on a healthy, if disturbing at times, path to adulthood. She identifies countless behaviors you're recognize instantly and offers solid, compassionate advice on how to respond, and how to...just cope sometimes. This book has been hugely helpful for me in negotiating a sometimes very difficult period of family experience. My perspective is much more empathic just knowing that the behavior that can be so troubling is more or less the norm--and actually provides benefits to my beautiful daughter, as unapparent as that might seem at times. The info here has helped remind me that my primary role as a parent is to put aside ego, judgmental responses and stress-based reactivity, to lift my child up, to help her move through a tough period of growth and to thrive. A wonderful resource.
My wife and I are high school teachers who work with dozens of teenage girls every year. Many of the points she makes are valid and in every strand and anecdote, I see certain past and present students and experiences. There is one major area of disagreement and inconsistency in her logic i find frustrating.On the one hand she states we should not just lay down the rules, we should explain their purpose in the context of safety, or personal social dynamics of future prospects. I complete agree. But then she basically tells us we HAVE to accept them breaking rules like drinking, smoking, going to parties, and sex. Because if we tell them no they will do it anyways. I reject this. If I explain the reasons for these rules, they should follow them. All studies show teenagers are better off careerwise, financially, and socially if they hold off on all of these as long as possible. We frankly do not care about their tribe when it does to their future. They will make more and better friends in college and career. Any friend willing to dump them because they did not drink at a party or didn't attend is not a real friend. No teenager needs to have sex and boyfriends and drama distract from the main goal...grades and career readiness.I am no prude, I know what teens do. But I will vigorous work with my daughter to make sure she understands our expectations and why they are there for her benefit.
I wanted to love this book and it took me a couple of days to realize why I left this book so dissatisfied and depressed. While Dr. Damour's description of adolescent girls felt familiar, it actually offers very little support and deeper understanding of why so many of our adolescents are suffering at such a wide and deep level--our teen culture is truly in crisis. Read Hold Onto Your kids by Dr. Neufeld and Dr. Mate for some sobering statistics on the current state of mental health with our adolescents. But unlike Dr. Damour, Dr. Gordon Neufeld offers a deeper understanding of the dynamics of attachment and child development and and how it is actually possible for parents to hold onto their kids through these tumultuous times and provide them with the support, love, and guidance that they ultimately need to mature, grow, and thrive. Untangled seems to resign all teens to their peer world, leaving parents to sit and hope and call in the professionals if it gets too bad. It simply under-estimates the true power of the parent-child relationship, particularly if this relationship has been the teen's primary attachment throughout their childhood. I would highly recommend parents keep looking past this book for deeper understanding of attachment and how much more they can be to their children and their teens.
Oh how I wanted to love this book! Damour’s writing is so compassionate that it felt like I was talking with a good friend rather than reading a book. I loved the swimming pool analogy—realizing that these seemingly illogical actions have a purpose. Damour has brilliantly categorized these seven strands, giving us all a useful paradigm with which to help us all navigate this tricky period.She seemed to have so much wisdom and insight... and then I got to chapter 6. “Don’t moralize your childrenâ€--are you kidding? Of course I’ve got to “moralize†them—that’s my job! I don’t care if it’s unpopular. If I don’t do it, the rest of the world is going to do it for me, and you can bet they won’t have her best interests at heart. Even worse, Damour says that your precious teen can, and sometimes should shift the line of what she has already decided is her limit when she is in a romantic situation (!!!). I’m sorry—your “inner compass†isn’t going to work when you’re making out. The point is to decide ahead of time, knowing that when you’re being ruled by your emotions that you not going to make the best choices. Damour undoubtedly has spoken to numberless teens that feel guilty and used because they went way further than they wanted. Why didn’t she mention those?Damour backpedals a bit in chapter 7, mildly encouraging the parent to teach their own religious/moral tradition. But for me, the damage had been done—Damour has lost my trust.Our children’s agency is paramount, to be sure. We aren’t doing them any favors by coddling them and softening every blow every step of the way to adulthood. But there’s no way I’m going to send my daughter out into the world with a vague “inner compass†as her guide. I’m going to give her a clear picture of what’s right, what’s wrong, and the consequences of her actions, and then give her the freedom to choose what she will.
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